I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Shitshow foam night was such a success
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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