You don't have asthma, your pregnant
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
