$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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