First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize