I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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