Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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