i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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