You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
