Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
