please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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