I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
