fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I want a musical about memes.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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