walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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