My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
