my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
