Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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