And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Randomize
