If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
