onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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