The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
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