I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Randomize
