I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
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