you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
