uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
