we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
