Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
