Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
