Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
