Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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