I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
