I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
