it wasn't lemon gatorade
splinters make it hard to masturbate
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
