the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
