that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
