i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Church boner. Awkwardddd
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
