you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
