Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
a search helicopter?!
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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