so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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