Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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