He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
