Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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