My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
