that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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