I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
