Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
