I'll bet she douches with gravy.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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