i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
