where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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