apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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