I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
