My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
