I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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