Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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