Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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