1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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