I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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