I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Randomize
