Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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