Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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