What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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