wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I feel great
I just peed on a car
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
