Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
