Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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