Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
