My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
